Sunday, 15 January 2017

No regrets

Once there was a girl who guarded her heart with rusty old chains that tear open its deep-cut wounds, as it bleeds through those heavy heartlocks with keys buried deep under.

I don't want to hurt you, I fall in love too easily and I fall out of love in a blink of an eye.

But that didn't keep the boy from shrugging his shoulders and says that he will take the chance.

Everyday they would laugh and they would cry as they unraveled each other's deepest secrets and scars. 

Slowly, she gave her heart away without realizing it until she felt the familiar warmth of his hands, the comfort and the security. How it felt safe nestled in his hands.  

How it felt safe nestled in his hands...

How it felt safe nestled in his hands, even when it bled, even when the wounds were freshly cut, even when it was covered with scratches, even when it was deeply clawed, even when it was broken in million pieces...

Even when they were scattered in a dark space, a space filled with nothing but horrifying screams and heartbreaking pleads echoing within those walls. 

Even when she dropped to her knees, staring into nothing but a night sky full of broken pieces, her heart felt safe nestled in his hands.   

I have loved you before you ever knew what love was and I have fallen in love with you all over again the day you said you love me too. I have loved you when you had my heart carried in your hands with delicate care and I loved you even when you had it broken, when you had it thrown away. I loved you even when you left without a second glance.

& I loved you even when you kept me behind, in a room filled with nothing but darkness even though you knew that I was afraid of the dark. 

Saturday, 31 December 2016

Twenty Sixteen

  You will be scared, you will be nervous but eventually you will be forced to man up and step into a room full of strangers. You will step out of your comfort zone and someone will recognize you as "the girl who asked too many questions" (courtesy of a precious friend that I have made this year). You will have a friend who will listen to your recent troubles and they will give you the best advice that you will stubbornly ignore. You will have that friend who will tell you to shut up yet you will continue to throw bad jokes in their face. You will have a friend who knows what's best for you and stay by you even when you don't listen and end up making the worst mistake in life. And this friend that you meet, appreciate them, cherish them, they don't come around often.

  You will meet a bunch of new friends, friends who will ask you to have the same thing for breakfast everyday, friends who you will catch a movie with after class, friends who will be as clueless as you in class, friends who will skype with you every night and spoil your body-clock. Unfortunately, you will too, lose a number of friends, friends who was once your bestest friend for 5 years, friends who were once the one who you will go crazy with, friends who you will lose contact with, friends who will put you out of their lives, friends who will piss you off, and at the end of the day, they are the same people who you will miss. Appreciate them while you can. Not everyone stays, that's all I'd say. 

  You will have people laughing at your zeal, at what you love. You will laugh it off and tell them that it's okay, you will brush it off and tell them that you feel the same way, you will change the topic as quick as lightning because you feel tears pricking your eyes. You begin to lose motivation, you will wish to give up, you will forget and you will feel lost. Because no, it's not okay, it's not okay to laugh at a person's passion just because you don't have one. And no, you don't feel the same way and you should be proud of what you love doing. You shouldn't have to change the topic just because people are being total inconsiderate assholes. You will never know when a person goes home crying over a stupid and hurtful joke that you have made hours ago, keep that in mind.

  You will have your heart broken and you, will be broken by a boy that you fell for. You will cry at everything, anytime, you will hate yourself for the mistakes that you have done. And even when he's left, your life will still revolve around him because you will miss him, you will cry over him and you will break for him. Eventually you will realize that you have let him - a boy who has broken his promise and fell out of love destroy a whole new year for you; you have let him - a boy who does not deserve your love and care destroy you. It is indeed way too late for me to understand this now but don't let a person who barely cares about you take that smile off your face, don't let them change you to become a person who does not remember how to be happy. Don't let them make you wish to be happy because you shouldn't have to.

  If I gave you a friend who you will grow to love and care for, for more than 5 years and one day I take him/her away from you, give you a new friend who you will too love and care for. Will you be happy for meeting a new friend or will you remember that you've just lost one that you held dear? I appreciate and am grateful for so many things this year but at the same time do you know how much I loathe 2016? The amount of hatred that I have for 2016 is as though I give you a candy everyday, so everyday something good happens right? But one day I just take them all away from you, that makes one awful event in a year. I am grateful for everything and everyone but a particular event that happened shadowed them.

  2 years ago I wished for time to fly in boost before I knew that it was going to be one of the happiest year I have ever experienced ; Then 12 months ago I anticipated 2016 to continue bringing joy into my life which I admit, I was feeling grateful and greedy at the same time because who knew that this year would change me into better and worse? It's crazy how everything can turn into the complete opposite direction as you hoped and expected it to.

JL's 18th birthday

HY's 18th birthday

We tried to recreate a photo that was taken on the last day of high school ♡

Company visits 
(which I stupidly signed up for)

My extremely blessed 18th

Seafield's 2016 Carnival

Fight Club Event 
(dayout with 2 kids)

WX's 18th birthday

We coincidentally twinned (90% of that is the truth, the other 10% is where they made me change when they realized that they were coincidentally wearing a white top).

Nonz's 18th birthday

HY's photography session

Light Sensation 2016 



Again, thanks Div for inviting us to her open house. Appreciate a day with good company and good food. ♡

Thanks guys, for making the Melaka trip a success and it was a really exhausting and wonderful day, despite the fact that we had to walk under the scorching sun, I really hope that we will meet again soon. Love you guys ELD20, always. ♡

Random hangout sessions 

Said we would go on a trip together every year.
 Last year we went to Singapore,

So this year, who can ever say no to ice cream? 

  College has always been stressful and fun, will definitely miss all the punny and movie-after-class sessions and will definitely not miss all the stress that college has caused. Although I'm pretty sure that uni life isn't going to be any better. College was fun, stressful but nice, gonna' miss it for sure. ♡

  This year, everything has been wonderful. I got to experience my first and last year of college life which I hope that I'll have a wonderful uni life for the next 3 years, I got to learn how to socialize and have some balls to make new friends, I also learnt how stressful college can be (even after that, especially when you have no idea what to study in uni) and I appreciate all the lovely memories that I've had this year. Honestly, I am so grateful for everything but they are part of the reason why I hate 2016 so goddamn much. Because I know how happy all of those things should make me feel but I'm not. 

  A part of me was so broken that I can barely put the pieces back together because of all the regrets that I've left for myself since the start of the year and needless to say, for the past 11 months all I could think about was the "what ifs" while hating myself for all the mistakes that I've done ; While another of part of me has consumed so much anger that I was so afraid of and I ended up putting myself in a horrible state of denial. So for the past 11 months I have just been sulking and putting every other emotions aside and eventually I was avoiding the problem so badly that I thought it would be fine if I get used to it without having to deal with it. 

  As I'm writing this I am definitely feeling much better (finally), I just hope that people would stop being such an inconsiderate asshole & try to make fun of a person's feelings or relationship because if you don't intend to give them the support that they need then please just shut the fuck up and keep all the horrible and hurtful jokes to yourself. See there are a lot of things that I have learned this year but that's one that I could share with you because unfortunately, all the poor judgement from the people that I care are one of the things that has hurt me the most this year. Because tell me how would you feel if you get your one wish and you are so happy about it that you can't wait to share the news with your family and best friends but they end up making fun of it, telling you that the wish will not last, in your face? 

  I am sorry if this update is not as cheery as it should be but I am so tired from this year and I'm really sorry but I can't thank you for 2016, though I wholeheartedly wish everyone have a wonderful and beautiful new year. Thanks for reading, loves. 

  May 2017 treat everyone well ♥

Monday, 28 November 2016

I'll be fine

Hey, are you okay?
You were really quiet just now, are you okay?
How are you?
I lift both corners of my lips and say, "I'll be fine,"
"I'll be fine," and sink back into the dark, dark corner.
I'll be fine, when you bring him back to me.
I'll be fine, when you let me see him once more.
I'll be fine, when you promise to let me hear his voice for the one last time.
I'll be fine, when love is real.
I'll be fine, when love stays.
I'll be fine.
I will be. 
I will. 
Only if he stays. 
"I'll be fine"

I want to cry. Every single time someone asks me if I'm okay, all I want to do is drop to the ground, curl up in one corner and let it all out, cry until I lose my voice, until I don't hear them anymore.
I want to grab the front of your shirt, clench my fist so tightly as though I'm desperate for a person to speak to. I want to look into your eyes and tell you I'm not okay, I'm not okay and I never will be, I'm not okay and I'm scared, I'm scared because I know I'm not okay but I don't feel it anymore, I don't feel anything anymore.
Everytime you ask me if I'm okay, I really just want to look up at you and stare at you blankly as my mind goes blank. I really just want to let these tears roll off my cheeks and be myself.
Everytime you ask me if I'm okay, I really just want to look straight ahead without multiple attempts of stopping myself from shedding these pathetic tears, without multiple attempts of biting my bottom lip to stop it from quivering. I really just want to be able to tell you the truth, I'm not okay and I don't know what to do.
Everytime you ask me if I'm okay, I really want to act as I feel without worrying about what you would think of me.
But that's the thing, I don't feel anything anymore.

I'll be fine, when I stop laughing at every joke that I make. 

Friday, 25 November 2016

Month to the end

  I have never hated anything so much for 18 years of my life and I really don't know how to put this into words in order for you to understand how much hate I have for 2016. Honestly this year has taught me so much and I've also experienced a lot this year, I have never been so disappointed, I have never been so heartbroken before, neither have I ever felt so devastated for the entire year. I've been talking about how 2016 have started all badly since January and I really won't stop now. Up until today, I still hate 2016 so much that sometimes it's honestly unbearable. You know I am so grateful for so many things that has happened this year but for me, 2016 is so damaged to the extent where I would just want to drop to my knees and beg to be happy for just a day.

  I am so tired but this is the kind of fatigue that takes a little bit more out of you every single day. Give me 24 hours a day, 48 or 72 hours a day and it will never be enough because what I really want is for the time to stop, I really don't want start a new year in a month when I can't even recover from 2016's fuck ups.


  Basically for the past month, other than experiencing extreme guilt for gaming during my final exam I've just been having countless date nights with my notes and stress, at the same time whining about how time wouldn't fly in boost just so I could finish my finals as quickly as possible. 

  One of the biggest regret I've had was choosing AUSMAT as my foundation program. I guess the reason is because this particular decision has brought unnecessary stress into my life and to be honest, I blame no one but myself. Though at the same time I feel beyond grateful and blessed to have met so many wonderful people and I am extremely thankful for that. Last week was the Awards Night and me being me, I left early again. I've never been a fan of crowded places but I've had a tiny bit of regret for leaving early because I didn't manage to take photos with some of my friends when it's probably the last time that I will ever see them again. If I were to be honest though, it was indeed a little boring but overall it was still a memorable night with great company and performances (especially when your lecturer can legit sing). ♥

The bunch of craziness that saved me from the start of college. ♡

Blessed to have these 2 life of the party(s) often saving me from boredom. ♡

One of the smartest person I've known who tells me to stop whenever I start telling a lame joke even though I know you secretly love them, Div. Thanks for answering all my stupid questions. ♡

One of the most valuable friends that I've met who is the worst to sit next to during Econs class because even though he'd tell people to not bother me when I'm sleeping, he'd be just as clueless as I am when I wake up asking which page are we at. ♡

I have never seen another living soul who cares about the people around her as much as Sher does, she's the kind of person who would definitely try to save you first if you both were to be drowning (touchwood). ♡

The one girl who goes online-window-shopping in class and never fails to influence the others with her good vibes man. ♡ 

To be honest Chloe, you're the first girl friend that I've had when I first started college, let's just say I was really much of an introvert, beyond blessed to have met the one person who has the same taste in fashion and beauty as me. ♡

Get a friend who shows multiple failed attempts to insult you in your face and at the same time defends you when an asshole talks shit about you. Kevin, you may not remember but till today I am still beyond thankful for you defending me when that asshole Ben talked shit about me. ♡

No Mase, ain't going to change it into the other picture where you actually smiled hahah. Thanks for always telling me how your jokes are better than mine, though honestly you lowkey are extremely punny. ♡

Get yourself a friend who's a gym-enthusiast so that one day when you've really decided to go to the gym for the first time, you won't be lonely and lost lmao. Kev, you have truly inspired me just because you often don't give a shit about judgmental people and honestly, I never really know if you're really happy because of your horrible suicidal jokes but just remember we're always here for you and be happy k. ♡ 

ELD 20

   Back then I couldn't really communicate in English well so when I started going to college, I was excited because it was an opportunity that I've waited long enough for me to speak in English and only English. But because English was never my first language, I was extremely scared and nervous during first day of my English class (ELD20). I was far from an anxiety attack only because Ben (my former classmate) was in the same class as me and to be honest, during that first day of class, I was determined that it was going to be my least favourite class of all time.

  But then we were told to prepare an oral presentation for the next day, that was when everything changed. You will know that your English class is extraordinary and weird when you new classmate as the first presenter delivered an oral presentation about condoms. And you will know that your English class would be far from boring when your English lecturer has the highest level of sarcasm of all mankind. 

I'd say, not everyone have a Jess and I'm immensely lucky to have her as a friend. To be honest she's the one friend that I have no idea how to describe because she's funny and caring and loving and everything, EVERYONE NEEDS A JESS. ♡ 

 I knew that it's impossible for ELD20 to be my least favourite class of all time when it was the only reason that kept me from hating college, when I could never ask for better classmates and friends ever, when I could never ask for a better lecturer and better brownies (thanks Mr.Oliver). Of course, I know that my English class is my favourite of all when I genuinely feel grateful, blessed and at the same time devastated while writing this. And to be honest, sometimes it does scare me because it's crazy how attached we are with each other, how much care and love we all have for each other. 

  I've been talking about how 2016 have started all badly since January because life is a total bitch, but your presence makes me question it. 

  I have no idea how to put my thoughts and feelings into words that would make your eyes water but I hope you know how much you guys mean to me, how thankful I am to have met you guys and how I intend to remember you guys for the rest of my life (despite the fact that I have a goldfish memory).

  This is such a dilemma, I hate you guys for only being my classmates for a year but I do love you guys so much for making me look forward to college every single day. ♥

Divyah's open house

   Div, thanks for inviting us to your open house and feed us good food hehe ♡ Honestly, I don't remember the last time I've ever been to someone's open house, felt so excited that day hahaha! I'm sorry that I couldn't write a poem about ELD20 as I've promised but I'm sure all my lame jokes and puns made in class make up for it. And of course, thanks for always dealing with my bullshit and telling me to keep quiet after listening to my cold-af jokes and stupid puns (but I know you still love me cause you do listen to them ahhahahahah). In fact, I sure as hell will miss you guys telling me to stop, keep quiet or facepalming yourselves whenever I start telling one of my jokes. 

Can I just say that Pei Shan is one of the most perfect girls that I've ever met? Gorgeous + smart, what more can you ask for? I know that we don't talk much but I mean it when I say, I do treasure you as my friend. ♡ 

You know ELD20 has quite a number of graceful people and I am definitely not one of them, but I'd say Wen Sze is. We don't actually talk much but I really do hope to see you soon so that we can have more conversations ahhahahahah! ♡ 

Happy belated 18th birthday, Nonz

  Happy belated birthday Nonz, what I wanted to say I've already said it in the text but still, thanks for always being there for me and you're welcome for having such a good friend, for example me (jk hahaha love you but seriously, you're welcome hahahaha!) & Thanks for picking such an overpriced restaurant for dinner. ♡ Despite us knowing each other for about 6 years and counting, we laughed like nobody's business when HY told us to smile at each other for a picture (ew nonz, no).

  By the way, one tip about taking photos with Nonz is that, I think you will rather throw your camera or phone into the pond than to take a photo with her. Because SHE CAN'T STOP ADJUSTING HER HAIR WHEN IT'S ALREADY SO BARBIE-LIKE PERFECT WTS. (No hate Nonz, still love you hahahahahhah) (No wait, we already hate each other 

  If ELD20 is really reading this, I just want to say I genuinely am sorry if I did not write a personal dedication to you but please believe me when I say that I do not love you any lesser as a friend. Once a family always a family and you have no idea how much it pained me to realize that I did not manage to take last few photos with some of you. We may or may not meet again anytime soon so I sincerely wish all of you the best in future and stay happy always because life will always throw shit at us but there's always a reason to be happy, for example the fact that you have me as a friend who has brightened your life with my stupid puns and lame jokes. Jk, love you guys to the moon and back ahhahah! ♥

  Quick update, life is still full of shit and I really just hope that things will be fine soon, even if it's just for a day. 

  Thanks for reading, loves. ♡